Full Disclosure, a lot of what I write on this blog is written with you, the reader, in mind. I share bits and pieces of my life and wrap them up with a bow and place them in your hands to enjoy. I spare the details in hopes that you find it shareable and relatable.
This blog is going to be a little different.
It is personal. It is raw. It is real.
For those of you that don’t know me personally, this is what I’ve been walking through.
Two months ago I got out of a year long relationship with a guy who I thought was my future husband.
When I started telling people that I broke up with him, their reaction was always the same.
Wide eyed, jaw to the floor, complete and utter shock.
We were that couple and everyone knew it.
Ya know, social media has a funny way of making everyone look happier than they really are. Our highlight reel was good. We traveled together, we adventured together, we went to church together. We cooked, we danced, we laughed. We looked like we had it all together.
But behind closed doors, our relationship was broken.
I’m sure you’re expecting me to bash this guy and list off every little thing he ever did to tear me down.
But I won’t be doing that.
I promised myself that when I sat down to write this that I’d do it as gracefully and truthfully as possible.
So I’ll just say this..
Ladies, if you ever find yourself in a relationship where your opinion doesn’t matter and your voice isn’t heard…
If you find yourself questioning your worth…
If you are manipulated to believe that every flaw in your relationship comes from you…
If you are losing yourself in service to the guy you’re dating…
If you find yourself altering your dreams for someone…
If your tears are laughed at rather than wiped away and prayed over…
And if you find yourself putting your happiness in your significant other and not your heavenly Father…
As fast as you possibly can.
The hardest and smartest thing I ever did in my relationship was run from it.
I want to make myself very, very clear. I forgive him for every thing he did to me and every hate filled word that was said. I really do.
I also want to add that I am not perfect and I’m very aware that it takes two. I take responsibility for everything I did wrong along the way.
I’ve had a lot of people ask me how I’m so ok. How have I kept it together. And my answer to that is Jesus. I owe all of my peace to Him.
My biggest fear in ending my relationship was being alone. Not just single, but really alone. I focused so much of my energy on my ex that I pushed away every other person in my life that mattered.
In my darkest and loneliest hours, God has always been there. He quickly reminded me that with Him, I’m never really alone.
And not only that but that I have a tribe. A group of girls that he hand picked for me. A group of girls that I still have a hard time believing that He entrusted me with.
To Ashley, the day I decided that it was time to get out my relationship, you were the first person I ran to. We hadn’t spoken in months and I just KNEW I could trust you. And I was so right. You have spoken so much life over me in the past two months. You constantly push me to be my best self and you remind me of my worth.
To Jordan, the friendship that I never saw coming but I’m SO glad it did. The day after I left my ex you sat with me when I was scared to be alone. You’ll never know just how vital that was to me. You are beautiful inside and out and I still can’t believe we walked the same halls for years without being friends. I wish we could get those years back but I know God put you in my life during this season for a reason and I am so grateful.
To Noelle and Elle, the friendship I share with each of you is so different yet so similar. While we haven’t been the closest during this season, I can confidently say that ya’ll would still be there in the blink of an eye if I asked. We always manage to pickup right where we left off. Friendships like that are special and they are rare.
To Katherine, you gave me the courage to run when I didn’t think I could. You are my favorite person. I am so proud of you and Jay for all the hard work you put in to make marriage look so easy. When I think about what I want my future to look like, I model it after you guys. I look up to you and no one will ever understand just how special our relationship is.
To Lauren, I could quite literally write a book about the amazing person you are and the rock that you’ve been for me during this season. You know everything about me and still choose to love me. You are grace. You are truth. And I am honored to do life with you in my corner.
To Kaitlin, when I didn’t want anyone else to see my tears, I knew you wouldn’t judge me for letting them roll. You were so right when you said that there are things we go through that ONLY we understand. You’re not just a safe place but the very safest place and my favorite phone call, ALWAYS.
To Allison, you have been my friend through every awkward stage of life. And even when I abandoned you for over year for a boyfriend you took me right back in and taught me how to have fun again. We rarely say it….ok, we NEVER say it but I really do love you and I always look forward to our time together.
To Savannah, you told me to end my relationship when I didn’t want to hear it and you’ll truly never know how thankful I am for the honesty you always offer. You’re still my it girl and I love every little thing about our constantly funny, ever growing friendship.
They are my tribe, my home team, my people, my bridesmaids.
They are the glue that holds me together and keep my feet on the ground.
I know there are more important things in the world than a bridal party, but in a season of fear and change, God has shown me the importance of true friendship.
And to my future husband…
I don’t know who he is, but I do know this…he will be kind. He will be patient. He will be a listening ear. He will tell me I’m beautiful and worthy. He will take responsibility in our relationship. He will encourage me to chase my dreams. He will wipe away every tear without an ounce of judgment. He will push me to grow deeper in Christ and challenge me to be more like Him daily. And he will love me for who I am just like all these girls do.
So while I don’t know who will be standing in front of me on my wedding day, I do know who will be standing behind me.
And I can’t wait for that day.
bless and be blessed,