Here Comes The Sun

What you’re about to read is something I shared with the world two years ago today. It popped up on my time hop and I just felt led to share.  

Enjoy! 

“I don’t know where to begin with this. This isn’t really my style of writing. But I felt the need to write it..so here it goes. 

I had a bad day today. And it got me thinking, I’ve had a lot of those lately. Not just I’m running late to work, forgot to pack my lunch, the gas light just came on kind of bad day. I’m talking about no motivation to get out of bed, zero appetite, couldn’t crack a smile even if I tried kind of bad day. Depression. It’s not something you can understand unless you’ve been there. And I’ve been here before. I’ve been fighting this, hiding it, and pushing it away for over two years. And let me tell you…it is absolutely the most exhausting thing I have ever dealt with. 

I came home from work today and thought, “ENOUGH!” This is it. I refuse to live my life like this. I’m sick and tired of being at war with myself every single day. I don’t know why I feel this way and I don’t know how to fix it. I know it won’t happen over night. Everyday is a battle. And there’s more than one way to make it through. But I came up with a little list. I know it may seem really silly and small but it got me through today and that’s enough for me. Here it is. 

1. Call someone. Call your dad. Call your best friend. Call someone. And when they ask you how you’re doing…don’t you dare tell a lie. “I’m fine.” No. Don’t do it. Be honest. “I’m not ok.” Tell them. And then they’ll inevitably ask, “what’s wrong?” Tell them. Don’t keep it locked up inside. A wise man once told me something that really stuck. He told me to never ever hold any emotion, good or bad, inside of you. He talked about how women usually live longer than men and the reason why is because women tend to let it all out. Keeping your problems and emotions tucked inside will literally take the life right out of you. Don’t do that to yourself. Let it out. 

I mean, you never know…they could be going through the same thing you are. Maybe they’ll be able to offer you a simple piece of advice that make the bad days better for them. This is what lead me to the rest of my list.

2. A few bad days ago, I called a friend and talked about how I was feeling. She told me to list 5 things that make me really happy. 3, 2, 1, GO. It was really hard for me. I could only come up with 4 things. FOUR. And they were really small and silly things. But I did it and it made me feel so much better. And guess what? Today, I came up with 5. And they were all different than my last 4. It’s a small step, but it’s a step and I’ll take it. 

3. And then today…it was one of those days. I got a call from my dad. He didn’t even have to ask me how I was doing. He jumped straight to the “what’s wrong?” Isn’t that funny? How dads just know. He always just knows. He gave me the most heartfelt advice. Whenever you’re having a really bad day and nothing is making it better…make someone else’s day better. When you see someone who looks like they’re having one of those days, lift them up. Compliment someone, do a good deed, simply smile at stranger. Not only have you made there day better…you’re making yours better too. “When you have a bad day, a really bad day, try and treat the world better than it treated you.” – Patrick Stump

4. Write it all down. Whether it’s on a sticky note at work or in a personal journal or on your blog for the world to see. Write it down. Coming to terms with what’s going on and what’s causing your days to be so bad can make all the difference in tomorrow. 

And 5. If you’re too shaken to pick up a pen, or you’re not ready to call someone, or no one will pick up the phone, call on The Lord. He will answer. He will always, always answer. Pray. And If it’s too hard to pray (and I’ve had those days, too) then just simply say, “Jesus.” It seems so silly and small but it’s amazing how much comfort it brings. The Lord is close to the broken hearted and He will heal the crushed in spirit. When I look back and think about the times that I was at my absolute happiest, it was the times when I was closest to God. I will wake up every morning and choose to believe in His promises. And every single day He takes me imperfect. Isn’t that beautiful?

If you’ve never been here before, you’re either really lucky or you’re lying. Remember that everyone is fighting some sort of battle. You just never know what someone is going through, no matter how happy they may seem. Some battles are really big and some are really small. I challenge you to be the reason that someone smiles and to try your best to make someone’s bad day just a little bit better. 

And if you have been here before, then guess what? Me too. Everyday. BUT, just because you have a bad day doesn’t mean you have a bad life. I have absolutely no idea what tomorrow will bring. And that terrifies me. If I have to re-read this silly list everyday just to make it out of bed, I will. I refuse to let depression consume my life.

In saying all this, I’m really not asking for you to feel sorry for me. I don’t want that. However, I am not ashamed to ask for your prayers. I need them. Never, ever be ashamed of your story. It could inspire others someday. I’m fighting everyday to love the person I was, the person I am, and the person I’m becoming. Who knows…maybe it’s not all about having the best day..maybe it’s just about finding the beauty in everything. Beautiful moments. The silver lining. I don’t know. I don’t have all the answers. But, I do know this: I am so loved. Not just by my family and friends, but by God. In His eyes, regardless of whether I had the best day of my life or if I never even made it out of bed, I am loved. I am His. And because of this, I am enough. And you want to know something? You are too.” 

And here we are. This piece of my past brought old feelings back and tears to my eyes for a couple of reasons.

One of those feelings was just total heart ache. I can’t believe just how lost and broken I really was. I let the people and things of this world determine my happiness. I allowed a terrible job and a silly breakup to consume me. 

But the other feeling I had was complete joy. God rescued me from the dark times in my life. And not only that, but He used those dark roads to change my heart and bring me to a place brighter than I could ever imagine. 

Now, I’m not saying that life is sunshine and roses all the time now…but my happiness comes from The Lord. And my soul finds rest in Him alone. 

If you’re having a bad day or maybe a few bad days then listen to me…

It gets better.

But only if you let it. 

Let God in. 

He will heal your broken heart and restore your joy entirely.

And one day you’ll look back and smile. 

Because even in the mess of it all…you ended up right where you were meant to be. 

Right here. 

Bless and be blessed,

Mary Alan